I'm sorry if that title sounded like I hate my mom. I really don't at all. I love my mom very much and tell her so all the time. Ask anyone of my friends growing up and they will vouch that I really hit the Mon jackpot, she's that amazing. I clearly have no problem with taking a day out of the year to lavish her with the extra attention that she deserves.
What pisses me off is that I just had to wish like 5 of my friends THAT I GREW UP WITH happy mothers day as well. I've never had to worry about wishing anyone BUT my own mother happy mothers day and now all the sudden it's like I need to make 11 facebook posts just to make sure I'm acknowledging the fact that for some reason my friends decided popping out a crying, breastfeeding, needy little thing would be more than fun than drinking sangria with me by the pool for the rest of their lives. If I sound bitter it's because I am. These bitches need to stop being so selfish and realize that for every unplanned pregnancy, I lose yet another drinking buddy. And I drink a lot so clearly I need all the drinking buddies I can get.
And for all you normal people out there who realize that having babies is NOT as fun as drinking with G, use the ring. It's the best birth control ever. For the rest of you, have a good brunch, I'll be by the pool, celebrating the fact that I'm not a mother.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Stupid Bitches and Why I'm Drawn to Them
One of the things I need to work on during this "Growing Up" process is recognizing a stupid bitch when I see one instead of being all non-judgmental like until I catch her stealing money from my purse and/or trying to make out with my boyfriend while I'm on a potty break.
I swear it's like these dumb bitches flock to me. They need to make some kind of "Stupid Bitch" Facebook so that I can check up on their info and maybe their "Other Bitches I've Fucked Over" friend list before making any kind of investment into a relationship with them. A small sample of the stupid bitches I've encountered (names have been changed to protect the right of passage that everyone should have at least once in their life: Getting Fucked Over by a Stupid Bitch)
1. Shmystal- Met this girl in 10th grade. Was very eager to hang out. Wanted to smoke pot for the first time. Really badly. Like, I can understand trying pot for the first time because you're somewhere and it's somewhere and there you have it, but this girl seeked it out like some kind of crackie on the comedown. Anyhooter, we smoke pot for the first time. Like most first timers I didn't really know how to inhale and therefore didn't feel anything. She probably didn't know either but was still sent into some kind of giggle fit reserved only for mental patients and/or attention deprived 15 year olds. Also, she fucked my first boyfriend the day after I broke up with him. What a damn whore.
2. Shmorelei- Met her in the dorms freshman year of college. Also very eager to be friends. Took me under her little whore wing and we would go out together a lot. I would quite often end up bullshitting with whatever dude she decided to screw that night's roommate while she did god knows what and would then regale me with stories about how many guys were in love with her. I never really minded because the roomies were usually pretty entertaining, plus we could share clothes. We signed an apartment lease together for Sophomore year only to have her move out 1 month into it because she fell in love with some pothead in Missouri and moved to get married. She said she'd pay me a months rent to find a roommate. Guess who never got that rent check? What a cunt.
3. Shmamy- Met her during my first post college job, that I actually am still employed at. She's not. Because everyone hated her. But that's not my fault. I was actually the only person who gave this new girl who seemed like a dumb bitch a chance, because she had just moved in town and I'm awesome like that. Months later, I get a text from my boyfriend while in the bathroom of a sushi bar that she just tried to make out with him. What a cunty whore.
I could name a bunch more if I really thought about it but the point is I'm done giving stupid bitches the benefit of a doubt just to get screwed over by their whorey antics. The worst thing is with all of the above girls I had a bad feeling about them before our friendship even got as far as it did, but I ignored it because I didn't want to "judge" and also I'm too lazy to not go with the flow. Well, screw that shit. Judging is GOOD. Judging is what makes good GOOD and bad BAD. Why do you think we have Judges? So they can look at everyone and be like "Well, they seem like a nice person, and I don't want to assume anything, so let's just let them go". NO! We have judges to say "I don't need to hear anymore bullshit, lock this fucker up and throw away the key!"
When I'm a grown up, I'm going to listen to my bitchy, judgmental instincts and keep these whores out of my life forever!
I swear it's like these dumb bitches flock to me. They need to make some kind of "Stupid Bitch" Facebook so that I can check up on their info and maybe their "Other Bitches I've Fucked Over" friend list before making any kind of investment into a relationship with them. A small sample of the stupid bitches I've encountered (names have been changed to protect the right of passage that everyone should have at least once in their life: Getting Fucked Over by a Stupid Bitch)
1. Shmystal- Met this girl in 10th grade. Was very eager to hang out. Wanted to smoke pot for the first time. Really badly. Like, I can understand trying pot for the first time because you're somewhere and it's somewhere and there you have it, but this girl seeked it out like some kind of crackie on the comedown. Anyhooter, we smoke pot for the first time. Like most first timers I didn't really know how to inhale and therefore didn't feel anything. She probably didn't know either but was still sent into some kind of giggle fit reserved only for mental patients and/or attention deprived 15 year olds. Also, she fucked my first boyfriend the day after I broke up with him. What a damn whore.
2. Shmorelei- Met her in the dorms freshman year of college. Also very eager to be friends. Took me under her little whore wing and we would go out together a lot. I would quite often end up bullshitting with whatever dude she decided to screw that night's roommate while she did god knows what and would then regale me with stories about how many guys were in love with her. I never really minded because the roomies were usually pretty entertaining, plus we could share clothes. We signed an apartment lease together for Sophomore year only to have her move out 1 month into it because she fell in love with some pothead in Missouri and moved to get married. She said she'd pay me a months rent to find a roommate. Guess who never got that rent check? What a cunt.
3. Shmamy- Met her during my first post college job, that I actually am still employed at. She's not. Because everyone hated her. But that's not my fault. I was actually the only person who gave this new girl who seemed like a dumb bitch a chance, because she had just moved in town and I'm awesome like that. Months later, I get a text from my boyfriend while in the bathroom of a sushi bar that she just tried to make out with him. What a cunty whore.
I could name a bunch more if I really thought about it but the point is I'm done giving stupid bitches the benefit of a doubt just to get screwed over by their whorey antics. The worst thing is with all of the above girls I had a bad feeling about them before our friendship even got as far as it did, but I ignored it because I didn't want to "judge" and also I'm too lazy to not go with the flow. Well, screw that shit. Judging is GOOD. Judging is what makes good GOOD and bad BAD. Why do you think we have Judges? So they can look at everyone and be like "Well, they seem like a nice person, and I don't want to assume anything, so let's just let them go". NO! We have judges to say "I don't need to hear anymore bullshit, lock this fucker up and throw away the key!"
When I'm a grown up, I'm going to listen to my bitchy, judgmental instincts and keep these whores out of my life forever!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Whoopsies
Well, I just had to reread my first blog post because I was so drunk when I wrote it I don't remember what I said. Not so grown up of me. But that's okay, growing up is a process. A process I choose to lubricate with plenty of grown up beverages, not to mention actual lube. Surprisingly enough, I was not drunk when when I wrote that.
I'm actually sitting at work, in my office. That's right, I have an office. God knows why, my title still says "assistant" in it and I just got a new boss. Instead of putting me in a cube and him in my office, they moved him to the office next to me and moved someone else to a cube. Pretty weird. Though, my office does kind of double as a storage room for all of our old marketing materials, so maybe they just figure I'm the only person who's willing to use it without complaining that I'm not being "valued". I don't really give a shit what's in my office as long as it has a door and a window. My office could be home to the daily Mickey Rourke and Iggy Pop wet t-shirt contest, I'd still be happy to not be in a cube. But I digress.
I'm honestly not even sure why I started this blog. I think I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress" or "4 Weddings" or one of those other wedding TLC shows that I for some reason am drawn to despite the fact that I am not currently engaged, and see no engagement prospects in my near future. The girls on these shows were all my age and already getting married and shit. So I started thinking "Man, I don't want to get married yet, that's for grown ups...fuck that". But apparently I am a grown up and just need to swallow that pill real quick and get on with being a responsible adult instead of half ass-ing my way through life while spending all my money on cheap wine and Forever 21 dresses. And blog about it.
I'm actually sitting at work, in my office. That's right, I have an office. God knows why, my title still says "assistant" in it and I just got a new boss. Instead of putting me in a cube and him in my office, they moved him to the office next to me and moved someone else to a cube. Pretty weird. Though, my office does kind of double as a storage room for all of our old marketing materials, so maybe they just figure I'm the only person who's willing to use it without complaining that I'm not being "valued". I don't really give a shit what's in my office as long as it has a door and a window. My office could be home to the daily Mickey Rourke and Iggy Pop wet t-shirt contest, I'd still be happy to not be in a cube. But I digress.
I'm honestly not even sure why I started this blog. I think I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress" or "4 Weddings" or one of those other wedding TLC shows that I for some reason am drawn to despite the fact that I am not currently engaged, and see no engagement prospects in my near future. The girls on these shows were all my age and already getting married and shit. So I started thinking "Man, I don't want to get married yet, that's for grown ups...fuck that". But apparently I am a grown up and just need to swallow that pill real quick and get on with being a responsible adult instead of half ass-ing my way through life while spending all my money on cheap wine and Forever 21 dresses. And blog about it.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Well Helloooooo There!
My name is G. This is my blog. I'm becoming a grown up! Won't you join me?
Not really. I'm pretty sure I'll always be a shiny little girl in a grown up body, but let's see how that goes, shall we?! Okay then!!
Not really. I'm pretty sure I'll always be a shiny little girl in a grown up body, but let's see how that goes, shall we?! Okay then!!
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